things change

today i will not jump up on the john
i measured the distance repeatedly
its my life
and i don't care
i defy anyone to feel sorry for me
i am the cat
and i wouldn't dream
of feeling sorry for you

no moral lesson

tonight as usual i
waited until the woman
brushed her teeth then
i went to jump up on the john
but i slipped back
some cats might not
but i just walked down the hall
to recover my dignity
and then went back and
jumped up on the john
from there to the sink
there is no message in this
though i must say
not all cats are as courageous
as i

Stupid cat tricks

i don't want any more performances scheduled
for 3 in the pm
i am not at my best then
it is the middle of the night for me you know
biorhythmically that is
my trick sequence is not as simple as
some humans seem to think
i make it look simple
because i am a professional
but please
not at 3 pm

a modest proposal

[I found this note on my computer this morning]

your poor cat
it must get pretty old
being the smallest creature in the house
you should bring in some birds and mice

signed, a freind

The First Animal: a Message for Obama

[video: Barney bites reporter, kherman54]
Dear President-Elect:
I, Sherlock, am writing to you out of concern about the news of the day. Otherwise sensible journalists are talking about which dog your family is going to choose. This has deflected attention from the question that should have been asked: What kind of animal should inhabit the White House? Leaving aside choices with obvious drawbacks - miniature horse, parrot, monkey - this debate really should center on cat vs. dog.

But no. All anyone can talk about is Should it be a Labradoohickey or a Portuguese Something. Everyone's on the bandwagon. Is anybody but me thinking, Wait a minute! Don't we really need a First Cat? I guess not. It's the meta-question. And you're the one who can set it straight.

I don't mean to blame the victim, but it's true, we cats have never been good at PR. We're like Poets that way. A lot like Poets, really. We are highly intuitive, graceful. We are works of art on four feet, all of us. You have to look hard to find an unbeautiful cat, but dogs? Ha.

Then there's the question of function. A cat in the White House could change the world. Think what a powerful influence for peace I, Sherlock, could be, lying serenely in the center of the oriental rug in the Oval Office, washing my face, unconcerned with rockets and natural gas and stuff like that. It would give those diplomats some perspective. And I will point out, as a pie-bald cat from the shelter, I am basically what you'd call bi-racial. That ought to count for something with you.

The only White House dog that ever did anything interesting was that last one. He bit a reporter. I have included the video above in case you missed it.
Sincerely,
Sherlock

No makeovers!

[photo: various meezers from Simply Art-rageous Pets]

I thought getting fixed was bad. Today they were talking about what it would take to turn me into a meezer. The woman gets these enthusiasms.

"But he is a round-faced cat," said the woman thoughtfully. I am, it's a remnant of my outdoor tomcat days, a sort of badge of honor.

"Plastic surgery," said the man, taking my face in his hand and making it skinny. "They could thin out the bridge of his nose, too." He moves really quick, you can hardly ever bite him.

She studied my large, luminous green-grape eyes. "Blue contact lenses."

The man nodded. "And gastric bypass surgery." They meant my avoirdupois. I am a good-sized cat, everyone always remarks on it.

I had had enough. Mawr, I said quietly.

"But what about his voice?" the man said.

Mawr, I repeated.

"It's true," she said. "He has a soft voice. That's why they call them meezers, you know, because of their loud voice." She left out the part about constant. I could tell her, from my experiences out in the world, the last thing you really want is a highly vocal animal. People are bad enough.

"I don't see how they could change his voice," the man said, and went back to his crossword puzzle.

"That's that then," she said. "There's no way."

Thank God for small favors.

Giving away moneys: A cat's guide

[photo: J. Wellington Cat III. No gender confusion here.]

Several Kittens have asked if I can explain people, so I will try, starting with the very human invention, moneys.

Today the TV told a story about how some humans were going to be kicked out of their territory unless they came up with a lot of moneys. So a friend of theirs wrote on her blog asking everyone in the world to send them money through clicks and everyone did. So they got to stay in that territory. There's a lot about this that's hard for a rational animal to understand.

To begin with, it involves moneys. Not only are moneys not everything, they aren't really anything, but if you have them you can get food and territory because - this is important - everyone thinks moneys are something.

But people didn't actually give the family moneys. They gave clicks. Clicks are electrons that fly straight to Paypal (it's a keyboard thing, which is why they don't like you to lie on it). You say, Aha, then Paypal is the same as moneys. No, Paypal is electrons that stand for moneys. You click and Paypal tells the Mastercard person to give someone some of your numbers. Then later, you give the Mastercard person some numbers. Somehow all this works, they eat very well, and I am lucky to snatch a bite of chicken now and then.

Back to the story. A lot of people gave clicks, and the family was able to catch up on the mortgage, which is the price you pay for living on someone else's territory. This may not make sense to you, but is definitely better than the way they handle territory in the Middle East.

I know, you're thinking the high finance is far from the most interesting part of the story. The interesting part is that all these people gave clicks to total strangers just because they asked for them.

I, Sherlock, read the story very carefully, hoping to find out why. I was pretty sure none of the click-givers were male. You will never see a male cat give up anything, it doesn't even matter whether it's edible. Female cats cooperate now and then, when it involves kittens, lionesses being a prime example. But the article didn't say anything about the gender of the people who clicked. And the fact is, people can be even more confused about gender than moneys. It's not so clear as it is with us. They can have both male and female in them. This is why they have to read books.

I hope this helps.